you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
