Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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