you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
50% drunk capacity currently
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
