They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
