i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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