We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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