If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize