I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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