He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
