i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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