I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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