look no pants
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
