I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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