hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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