I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
