Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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