he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
