K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize