I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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