what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
