Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
