his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
