I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
