just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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