I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Someone came in the potted fern
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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