I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize