you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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