Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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