She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
