just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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