Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
