Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
