Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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