a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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