it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
