he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
