so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
