i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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