I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
