also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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