The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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