I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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