two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
