Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
