You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
