If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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