I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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