you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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