There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize