Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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