Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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