i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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