Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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