I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
