somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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