is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
