I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I love having hate sex.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
