whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm sobbing to NWA
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
