if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
