I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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