I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Boobs speak an international language.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
