Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
