He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
