He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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