Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
