i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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