i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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