I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
